And I’ve always wanted one, I want John 8:32 in my Grandpa’s handwriting on my left side. But on either my back or my right side I want another one. I’ve been thinking about some phrases like “hero of my soul” or something. I’m not even really sure, I just want one.
I want to tell you so bad and it’s kind of eating at me. I want to tell you because I know you’re worried about me and I’ve been keeping this huge secret from you for almost 11 months. I don’t know how to tell you though. I don’t want you to look at me like I’m ruined and broken. But I am going to have to tell you one day if we’re going to work. I want you to trust me and I want you to know all of me. And I know that if you’re everything that I say you are and I have all the faith in you that I have now, then telling you will not change how much you love me or what you love me for. The nightmares are coming back and so are the triggers. This secret is the reason I had my anxiety attack on Friday night and the reason I woke up in a nightmare this morning. This secret is the reason why I’ve asked you to promise to keep me safe on New Years’s Eve and this secret is the reason why I am afraid. I am always afraid. This secret is the reason I have built faith in you, because I’ve come to believe that you are security. I want to tell you so bad, but I’m so afraid of the After.
I need to start taking care of myself… not leaving that up to you to catch me when I fall or to pick me up off the ground. I need to be the one that does all these things for myself. I am the groundwork of myself. I am the one who is always there for myself… unfortunately I can not abandon my body no matter how much I want too. You are not responsible for me, you are not responsible for all the mistakes I make and all the things that have happened to me. Lately I’ve been counting on you to help me: I’ve been counting on you to be the one to rock me back to sleep and take care of me. I have been relying on you so heavily. In all honestly I have been counting on you to make the demons go away, I’m counting on you to tame the devil inside me and right now you’re the only one that can. In you I find strength, courage and security. I find assurance in you. And because I have never had that in my life, I’m clinging to it with a death grip. However, I need to find those things in myself… because you might not always be here but I always will be.