I’m jealous of the people who see you everyday and don’t appreciate you.
I see the strain reflected in my eyes. I know how tired I am. I know what kind of pressure I have put on myself. I know that I am exhausted and tired and close to collapse. But I also know that I’ll be seeing you soon. The time apart always pulls on us like strings, unravels us a bit but when we are together it is like getting sewn up and stitched back tight together— more in love and more inseparable than before. Three days to go and my heart is wondering if that much joy is possible. My heart is wondering how all that happiness could be. My heart is longing for just that and aches because you’re so close and yet so fucking far away.
The pain I feel in my chest right now… the utter brokenness and complete desire to shed my skin… and just run away from my body. I feel the familiar desire to just let my body go down without it’s captain. I’m so done, I’m so tired. I just want to never feel like this ever again. I don’t want to be broken. I just want to be whole and intact and perfect for you. That’s all I want.
And suddenly I’m breathless and aching for you. A part of me, a part so deep and fragile, is screaming and shattering. I miss you. I miss who we were. We had so much potential, we had so much life… we were just two kids. That tiny part of me, inside so deep in my heart, is aching. It’s shaking it hurts so bad. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, GOD I fucking miss you. And I know I shouldn’t. You’ve been gone from my life since Christmas and I haven’t even heard a breath from you to even let me know you’re alive but I can’t help remember who we were. I can’t help but remember how easy it was falling… I can’t help but remember how simple it was for us to just pick up and talk… I can’t help remember the smile that would be plastered on my face for hours. So many memories right now…